“I have friends and a vibrator, what are you for?”
In which we discuss breakups and relationships. Join us in our journey of the trials and tribulations of love!
References for Breakups
Lucy is live and in person and demands she only be touched with consent! (Consent is always relevant, consent is sexy.) She is here, newly single, to discuss what it’s like existing post breakup. How do you readjust to being single?
But inversely… what the fuck is it like being in a relationship? It’s weird and uncomfortable, and we don’t know what the rules are!
Lucy is adamant that when you want to be in a relationship it doesn’t feel like a chore to talk to them. When you do feel that way, you’re probably forcing a relationship that isn’t supposed to happen. Thankfully, she never feels like it’s a chore to talk to her precious Throbbers… not like we’d let her leave codependent as we are.
Knowing It’s Over
Using your own feelings as a gauge is sometimes hard, as Sissel knows, and it’s hard to let go of something familiar. But sometimes, breaking up can be a relief.
Hannah’s experience with the end of one of her relationships was unfortunately passive-aggressive. She didn’t want to end the relationship but she was resenting having to spend time with him, and didn’t want to be around him. So she ended up resenting him more and more and being bitchy until the relationship was over. She regrets her behavior now. She was extremely relieved when it was over. It ended in a hug.
Sissel, on the other hand, was extremely excited by the end of one relationship, and went on a bougie grocery shopping trip to celebrate, and called her best friend and talked to her the whole time about how happy she was that she’d finally broken up with him. Her relationship ended in sex. She is Sissel after all.
Gina felt it was a weight off her shoulders, but she also drank a lot during the whole process. Kelly came over to visit her and found her crying on the floor watching Fleabag. (We highly recommend it. It will destroy you in the best possible way.)
How You Know It’s Over A Breakups Story
Lucy was really struggling with her last relationship because she was debating if it was a phase of ambivalence she was experiencing or if the relationship was actually over for her. The most difficult thing was that when she did break up with him, she didn’t have a definite reason why.
Kelly asked Gina if she felt her relationship became a chore at the end. Gina said chore wasn’t quite the right word. They were both going through a lot of shit and not going through it together, and feeling like the relationship had been over for awhile with no one admitting it. She thinks she was worse off than she wanted to admit when the relationship ended, but she is more comfortable being single because that’s what the majority her life has been. When she finally was over the feelings of recovery, the thing she really started missing was sex. The more emotional things, someone to drive her home after a hard day for instance, she got over that way quicker.
Lucy’s primary love language is quality time, and after her breaks she always misses the quality time she spent with the person she shared a relationship with. She always reaches out to people after a breakup that she thinks can fill that void but they never quite do, because it’s just a different relationship.
Learn more about our love languages here!
Seeing the Ambivalence
Sissel’s first relationship ended partially because she felt like he had disconnected from the relationship. She became just a part of the friend group with him. The relationship pretty much ended when they traveled for two weeks together, and instead of getting closer spending 24 hours together they just got more distanced from each other. It felt very weird, and she ended things because she felt like she wasn’t being treated fairly, like she was being taken for granted. It still affects her reactions in her relationship today.
Lucy definitely felt like she shouldn’t be ambivalent, and he deserved better than that, and she deserved better than that. Breakups are strange.
Getting Used to Being Single
It comes in stages. And here we discuss things that we don’t like about being in a relationship. Gina really hates asking people about their day, so it’s something that she was quick to be excited about not having to do.
Hannah says its very similar to your parents asking how school was today… It was fine Dad!!! Stop bothering me!!! Maisie and Sissel both discuss how working in customer service really takes any sort of authenticity out of the question, “how are you?” because they get asked it by every customer and they ask it of every customer and it basically means nothing anymore. Is anyone really genuine when they answer that question? Sissel is trying to be more so.
Kelly has always had problems with texting people back. It comes with a strange sort of pressure. Does this text need a response? Do I have to deal with now? If I do a one word response will it come off as passive aggressive even though I’m lazy but not upset? Should I use an emoji? Or three exclamation points?
Hannah uses so many exclamation points at work to make it clear she’s not upset in emails. Which is not really indicative of her in-person personality, if you hadn’t noticed.
Sissel makes a claim that emojis and excessive punctuation in text communication is necessary to make up for the lack of body language and vocal tone. It’s too easy to take them at face value which is monotone and dismissive. So we have to keep using them.
It’s not like we can’t see through them anyway.
Dating Again? Already?
Gina only dates relative strangers, rather than friends of friends. Because of this, she says, you have to go above and beyond in the first communication to make sure you’re coming off as happy and positive as you can be. Which is why she’s in a situationship in which she only texts someone when she wants to have sex. Because being text happy is so much work.
Lucy says, fresh out a relationship and learning how to be single is like learning to walk again. What are these muscles?
To Horny or Not to Horny
Sissel recalls her stages of post-breakup:
- Sad and mopey
- Ah right I had other parts of my life that didn’t involve him!
- oh… I’m SO Horny (aka Sissel’s natural state)
The breakup almost caused her to be not horny, and her horniness coming back meant she was back to normal. Gina is the same. Hannah, and maybe the rest of the Throbbers, have lower libidos and are thus less driven mad in the loss of sexual intercourse. Vibrators do their jobs. Lucy does miss human touch, that saucy minx. Or maybe Hannah is the saucy minx.
Back to Texting
Kelly really does not like receiving good morning and good night texts. She understands the appeal of a definitive ending to conversation, but she does not understand it as something you’d do with someone you’ve just begun a relationship with. Hannah and Maisie are allowed to text each other good morning and good night, but…that’s cute and they’re in a serious committed friend ship so it feels natural. True relationship goals.
Sissel and Lucy disagree to a certain extent–once again, if you actually like someone, those little things are nice and not a chore.
Hannah brings attention to the fact that, especially when using an app, having a message in the morning shows they’re thinking about you not just at night when they’re bored on Tinder. It shows a genuine interest. But EVERY morning, EVERY night… TOO MUCH!
Lucy remembers thinking it was a nice sweet thing that let her know they cared and were thinking about her. Especially at the beginning of a relationship. Kelly, Hannah, and Maisie have never got to that stage.
Cause Dating is Hard
Lucy says it’s not hard to want to talk when you really like someone. Which has been very rare for Kelly, Hannah, and Maisie. Only three times in Kelly’s life has she really felt interested in someone enough to consider dating. Ironically Lucy and Sissel have both only been in three relationships each.
For Hannah, she lives with her parents, which really hampers the dating situation.
Hannah doesn’t really want to go someone else’s place. She can’t invite them over, but she also doesn’t really want to keep hanging out downtown where she works. She really thinks location matters for where a potential partner lives. Lucy’s last boyfriend lived almost an hour away but it was worth it see him in the middle of their relationship. Which may or may not have been an illuminating factor in knowing that the relationship was over… But probably not. Because Lucy really only felt the “chore” aspect when she was actually with him. Which just really wasn’t fair to him.
People Are Out There
Lucy really thinks you will find that person, all the boring dates doesn’t make you undateable, they just mean they aren’t right for you. When you find someone that you click with you can tell the difference.
Gina thinks that the win, finding someone, is not a guarantee. Even if you put in the effort, you might not find someone.
Lucy doesn’t see the point about viewing it as not a guarantee. It means deciding what you want and going after it the way you want to, whatever that means. Hannah and Kelly add that you may not be guaranteed a lifetime connection but you will probably experience a connection in your life. A bad date is mostly likely about a lack of compatibility, not about you.
Sissel really wants to hammer home a Sex and the City reference because secretly she’s a basic middle aged white woman:
Be a Samantha Not a Charlotte
Charlotte’s aspiration is to get married and have babies. She was trying so hard to find this life for herself that she forced herself into something bad. While Samantha had goals and intentions that she hoped to achieve, but she wasn’t forcing them, she was letting them happen, embracing the way life was leading, enjoying the present.
There are so many factors that contribute to your relationship status and breakups
Maisie knows that the fact that she isn’t in a relationship is because of her, and her decisions. She works with a lot of older women who regularly inform her it will happen for her, and she’ll find someone. To which she responds, “cool… thanks for caring I guess?”
Kelly thinks it does get kind of awkward seeing family, and they always ask, “are you dating someone?” (also she totally nailed it… we are approaching Thanksgiving when this episode gets released after all!). She feels like she’s in a weird relationship factory–next youngest has to get married!
She knows that she’s partially the reason she isn’t in a relationship because she refuses to date someone she isn’t crazy about. Maisie won’t force it. Lucy agrees you shouldn’t force it.
But Is It You?
Hannah says that yes, but they also don’t really put themselves in the situations where dating is an option. Because the parents, and the staying home, and the pets, and the plants, and dating isn’t really an interest.
But also, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Choosing not to date is an extremely valid life choice. However, choosing not to date someone because you think you aren’t dateable, or because you think it’s too hard even though finding someone is something you want, is just a self fulfilling prophecy.
Hannah points out that it really could be you though. You have to analyze the whole situation, yourself included, to figure out why you aren’t finding someone you connect with. There are factors.
Kelly has noticed that when women have struggles dating, they tend to get introspective, and wonder what’s wrong with them. Men, however, seem to have a tendency to blame women, and not take any ownership.
Literally a reason for several mass shootings and many murders. Literally!
Why Do you Want A Relationship?
Are you trying to force it because you want this type of relationship? Regardless of who you’re in a relationship with? Hannah knows a lot of people who just go from relationship to relationship, with no breaks. And how can you really know who you are and what you want, if you don’t analyze these experiences?
You do have to put yourself out there to find out what you like and what you don’t, and what you need.
The Throbbers are not really serial daters, and we are not people who would consider dating a sort of default. (But we’d like to talk to people who do think that way!)
We do know people who do have the explicit goal in dating to get married and start a family. But we are not them. That is a valid life choice! You do you!
Sissel points out that if you have a goal, and you meet someone with the same goal, you are both obviously willing to put in the work that makes the goal happen, and a lot of the time that is what a relationship is. Mutual interests and a desire to be together.
Breakups When You Just Can’t Be Bothered
Part of a breakup is deciding to that it’s just not worth putting an effort into the relationship anymore.
Gina has thoughts. She put absolutely no effort (according to her, anyway) into her current situation in that he was the maintenance man for her apartment, he hit on her, they casually go out. It’s really nice to have something with no effort. It is not a relationship. She wouldn’t call him her boyfriend, she would maybe check before seeing someone else, but it doesn’t fit into a typical relationship.
Lucy points out that Gina’s non-relationship does fulfill the needs and goals Gina has right now, while in law school, for a “relationship”. Hannah says he’s not her partner, which is fine, it’s a different type of relationship than her last one, and that’s okay.
Sissel is in an open relationship, and while hanging out with her boyfriend and his brother, the brother called them out as being in an open relationship, and it was cute and nice, and made Sissel happy. It’s not about finding the ideal, it’s about find what’s right for you.
The nice thing about relationships, is you can make them what you want.
Lucy’s roommate was in an open homosexual relationship and that’s cool and makes them happy! It doesn’t have to be your forever, and if you’re clear to your partner about what the situation is, that’s all that matters.
Sissel points out that the fact that Gina is thinking about “checking in” with her situationship, indicates some level of effort more than zero.
Gina is uncomfortable with these labels. Is it something having to do with being women in our society, sexism maybe, and needing to explain ourselves?
Sissel’s stance is that you have to try at everything in life, from contacting family, to growing a plant, to getting out of bed in the morning, but it’s all trying to some degree. Back in high school she would be madly unrequitedly in love with people who just would not be interested, and she could feel their lack of trying, their lack of effort. Not trying feels different, regardless of level, regardless of variety.
Something about the word trying still bothers Gina. She doesn’t see something that you’re just doing as trying.
Kelly points out that she is putting time into it, and regardless of semantics, these are all just words after all, you put something into situations. Alternative analogy is that there are only so many spoons, or sticks, we have when we wake up in the morning to give out to people. Introverts maybe have fewer, but we all have spoons and we decide what to do with them. What you put your time into is the basis of what you care about. This could be a reason for why breakups happen.
When it’s right it doesn’t feel like you’re wasting your spoon.
Singledom is the Same
When you feel like you’re wasting the time with yourself, it sort of feels like you need to break up with your singledom. Just get out of my house! Self! Why am I here, by myself doing nothing!
Maisie has almost no experience with this. Evolved.
Realistically, good friendships provide a similar emotional role as a traditional heterosexual monogamous partnership. The Throbbers are collectively a full service boyfriend, they even provide vibrators. What’s the point of a significant other.
A relationship with a significant other should not be your only relationship. Cultivate a relationship with friends, family, and yourself.
Human beings are social creatures, and Sissel has thought about this a lot. Our society has diverged into a more individualistic, less communal way of living, which makes monogamy more appealing. Monogamy creates the strong social bonds we crave that we lost when we became more individualistic.
How this fits into the whole patriarchal polygamy thing, Sissel is not as knowledgeable about, they didn’t discuss it in the short documentary she watched. Disclaimer, don’t necessarily romanticize ancient peoples, but learning about them can call attention to what the human experience can be, and we aren’t evolved that far from them anyway.
Monogamy is inherently a search for connection, and there are plenty of ways to find connection.
Find someone nice to give your sticks to.
Thank You For Listening!
We are all able-bodied, cisgendered white women. We know our background and experiences only cover a percentage of those around us which is why we want to supplement this with guest speakers, research, and you. If you have opinions and experiences you’d like to share we would love to hear it! If, however, you just want to spew hate at us then we can’t stop you but instead we invite you to suck our collective clitorises. Hater. This podcast also contains mature sexual themes and swearing. No, clitoris isn’t a swear word.
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