“It’ll be a quick in and out, you’ll barely feel it.”
In which we despondently reminisce about sex. Ah, those were the days… [recorded Summer 2020]
But first, some new family members!
We begin with an introduction to baby Nyla, the ferret, and a formal introduction to baby Lucifer, the cat, who turned off Lucy’s mic in the last episode. Enjoy her hard work audible at the very end of Ep 17 How the Sausage Gets Made Part 2, it’s like one of those Marvel after-the-credits things.
We also really don’t know what time is and are exhausted, so bear with us on this “quickie” exploration through The Last Time We All Had Sex, the definition entirely determined by us.
Maisie
It was the beginning of the year in 2019, with a delivery guy, divorced with kids, and sadly it was never going to work out long-term. She broke up with him shortly after. It has been fine, the time has passed quickly. The pandemic really makes things crazy.
The sex was mediocre, the guy did not orgasm and neither did Maisie. She says she never orgasms during sex anyway, there are too many things going on. She honestly doesn’t remember it very well.
Hannah wonders…. post-Covid, do you wanna have sex with someone?
Maisie is unperturbed by the thought of a global virus but is also completely lacking in opportunity. Though she does have a cute coworker that she would consider… but also that would be very inappropriate until she no longer works there. She historically hasn’t had sex with people she’s interested in. They just conveniently hit on her when she’s bored and she lets them put their penises inside her.
Listen close for Nyla hissing!
Gina
It was February 2020 with someone off the apps. He was divorced and with kids. This is Gina’s ideal demographic, as she likes the recently divorced who are just trying to remain unattached. No one wants those attachments, gross!
Enjoy a brief interruption for cat love and reminiscing on playing beer pong.
Gina had a nice date, and went back to his. It was her first sexual encounter since her break up in the fall of 2019. She sent out her warning text to all of us (I’m going to a stranger’s apartment, please check that I don’t die, thx), and then entered the bachelor-dome (he had nothing on his walls). She did not come during sex, but was very close by the end so she ground herself to orgasm on him. He thought it was hot (She still got it y’all!). She passed out on his mattress (not sure if it was on the floor or not, a box spring on the floor still counts as on the floor) and woke up at 3am and skedaddled. He gave her a nice enough send off and they’ve never spoken since.
Otherwise, it has been a rough year, lots of vibrator use.
Follow up from Maisie… Are you trying to set up some Covid dating?
She is going on some socially distant pandemic dates, but being very cautious. She is looking for someone essentially monogamous in these dangerous times.
Hannah
Her last time was with the Anime Guy she went on a date with, in her sister’s condo! The sister does not know about the sex happening in her condo without her and she never will… unless Lucy texts her. This was way before the pandemic started, possibly a year before (who can keep track, Time Soup, et cetera). She had just started dating again at the beginning of 2020, but her plans were shot when the country shut down.
She’s very disinterested in dating at the moment. She’ll keep riding it solo for the foreseeable future.
Lucy points out that one positive of Covid could be the phone or zoom date. Extremely low stakes, and it takes off the pressure. It’s like a job: phone interview first, then in-person interview. Lucy is so down for this dating lifestyle.
Can’t wait for all the weird behaviors we’re developing to confuse and amuse our grand children.
Gina is into the park dates because inclement weather can be an easy cancel excuse and there’s no money involved! She looks forward to everyone sharing stories of their future Zoom dates.
Hannah is just concerned about how you establish comfort with someone. She’s also not into any public spaces where you eat food or drink and thus can’t wear a mask. She’s much more into estate sale dates.
PSA: Don’t Be Scared of Death
Lucy would really like everyone to stop stigmatizing death and dead people. Maisie’s friend is taking some human anatomy classes and Covid has ruined her chance to cut open bodies herself. She only gets to watch, and actually, it sucks. Which reminds Gina of the Derry Girls episode when they were unknowingly hanging out with a dead body.
Sissel
Sissel wins the award for most recent sex, woo! (We all are jealous and hate her.) She is dating someone, sex is easy to acquire, she is sorry. And it was probably uneventful, so she will recount another recent sex story.
She was getting naked and ready for bed at her boyfriend’s place, and she was blind because her contacts were out, she’d had a micro-dose of weed, and her boyfriend offered her his ear plugs. They are essentially an old married couple. She was confused by him giving her his ear plugs, and he was also in her spot, but it took her until he grabbed her as she crawled over him to realize he wanted to have sex.
Also the fact that she was very very mildly high meant the sex was a bit heightened on top of it being a surprise which is something Sissel loves.
Relationship Norms Tangent
Sissel’s partner is a horrible sleeper and needs ear plugs and black out curtains to sleep well. When they move in together they’ll have separate rooms because Sissel snores and talks in her sleep. It’s a throw back to the 50s when couples had separate rooms and marriages lasted… right? Most of the Throbbers have grandparents with separate bedrooms. It was probably a creation of the Middle Class thing, where they finally had enough money to afford separate bedrooms.
Before that everyone just slept in the same room and all the kids knew that adults had sex. It didn’t seem to be such a taboo thing, at least in the lower classes.
Sex is stigmatized in the US but so is nudity, which is just so strange. Everyone has a body, why are we hiding them.
Side note: Kelly mentions a YouTube review (shoutout Kurtis Conner!) of a very strange Czech children’s movie in which lots of characters are naked and having sex all the time and apparently it’s chill? Which seems weird to us, but I guess we’re just repressed Americans. (Or in Kurtis’s case, Canadians.)
Because of the Pandemic, a lot of networks are buying tv shows from other countries to create “new” shows, and one of Ginger’s networks got a show from Canada where they put a blurry ball over a man’s butt and a woman’s boobs and more hilariously later in the same episode someone swears and they blur his face and bleep him out. The point is that the US has a prudish streak that kinda makes no sense.
Kelly
Kelly still has not had her sexual debut. The Pandemic has given her an easy excuse to continue not dating. She might try dating… Very cautiously, maybe?
She has discovered she is more social than she thought she was, she genuinely misses large groups of people. She considers herself an introvert, but she really misses parties.
Gina misses ambient noises of a bar, and she once jerked off to a YouTube video of it.
Kelly has gotten really into ASMR/ambiance YouTube videos, especially fun historical ones, like this one:
Sissel just finished reading a graphic novel called Dates. It’s an anthology of queer historical fiction, and it’s very good!
We are interrupted by Nyla eating Sissel’s hair, and Kelly pulling glue off her hands.
Lucy
Lucy last had sex in February 2020 with a random DATE MAN! He was a bit younger than us and had a fog machine in his living room. It was a good date, and they had sex 6 times that night. (Lucy apparently had a premonition of the coming pandemic and decided to speed-run her sex life.)
She slept over, but she left the next day. They texted for a little bit but didn’t really want to maintain anything. He was pretty weird but great in bed.
The End
Gina is depressed about all of this. Pandemic has really cramped her style.
This was a long-ey episode. We really truly thank you for listening to us! We love you all, especially our listeners in Switzerland! Don’t know how you found us but we appreciate you!
Thank You For Listening!
We are all able-bodied, cisgendered white women. We know our background and experiences only cover a percentage of those around us which is why we want to supplement this with guest speakers, research, and you. If you have opinions and experiences you’d like to share we would love to hear it! If, however, you just want to spew hate at us then we can’t stop you but instead we invite you to suck our collective clitorises. Hater. This podcast also contains mature sexual themes and swearing. No, clitoris isn’t a swear word.
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